The site's theme has been redone to mark the coming of spring, the warm happy season when people are free from snow and cold and depression and can be warm. Warmth is really, really good, folks. Like, you have no idea how good it is. In fact, I've just created a new planetary law: people past the first northern third of the planet, that means everyone from North Carolina down, are not allowed to whine. About anything, anywhere. Because if you want to whine, then why don't you do it in heavy snowfall with a -20 degree windchill on top. Oh sure, you may be excited for a week or so, but try it for 4 MONTHS (1/2 Nov, Dec, Jan, FEB, 1/2 Mar.) The North is cold, and cold North stinks. It's so cold that despite the fact that geographically, North Carolina should be relatively warm, it loses because it has "north" in its name. Think about even the word, "north". Does the word "north" ever inspire feelings of warmth anywhere? When you think of south, most people will think of Florida - palm trees, alligators, and old people come to mind. Since palm trees and alligators, and old people can thrive only where the climate is warm, the South is warm not only on first impression, but deep research as well. With West, most people will think of California, or even Nevada and Arizona. The mental image of California is never a cold one, mostly due to the fact that there's nearly no moisture in winter, but also due to the high population of movie stars and actors there. The average actor gives off about 1,000 egowatts of hot air a week, varying, so this contributes highly to the warmth factor. Also, the Governator rules there. Would the Governator rule a cold wasteland-ey place? No he would not. And Nevada and Arizona have deserts and even less moisture - Death Valley, people. Hottest place in the world. Sometimes life is not fair. The East? No one thinks about the weather in the East if you're not from the East, and people from the East know what the weather is like, so they don't think about it. And the Far East would be China, where everything is upside-down and opposite from here. If here is the North, and it is, China would be nice and warm, and so they too are winners in the game of weather. When I think of the word North, there are no warm implications. Albeit, I may be biased by Redwall novels, but I dare any person to honestly tell me that they think of warmth when they think about the word "north", and then to give me an example.
"But Dan," you say, "what about the South Pole? The Earth's structure is that so the Poles are cold and the equator is warm!" Gimme a break. I will now prove that the North is colder than the South, with 2 easy arguments.
1. Penguins vs. Polar Bears: Ahhh, who doesn't know this friendly rivalry? The mascots of the twin poles, natives and representatives. Santa does not count because he travels everywhere on one night, so he can't be deemed as a year-round resident. Also, he is not an animal. However, the similarity of these two ends at "animal mascot". You see, because the Polar Bear is from the north, and the penguin from the south, the polar bear is infinitely more unfortunate than the penguin. Why? Everything points to it. Food, Behavior, Body Structure, and Habitat (North) or for the unbiased, Global Warming. Polar Bears spend almost all of the second half of summer and all of autumn frenziedly searching for food to enable them to just survive in the winter. Over the winter months, they eat next to nothing and get anorexically thin, poor guys. It's gotten so bad that Polar Bears have been forced to wander into Alaskan homes to munch on trash, pinning them into the title of "hobears". And drink? Everyone knows that Polar Bears can't even get a warm drink - no, the only beverage available to them is ice cold Coca Cola. Great. And we only know this because they traded commercial appearances where they pretend to love Coca Cola for a couple matches. Coke is not bad, folks, I'm not saying that. It's just cold. On the other hand, has anyone ever heard of starving penguins? No. The closest penguins can get to this is the male Emperor Penguin, and that's more the fault of parenting than hunting for food, which everyone knows is stressful. Penguins also have the added benefit of having every other dad to get together with them to struggle through the pain together, which brings me to my next point.
The penguin is a friendly, social animal, that live in huge flocks and do nearly everything in groups, from fishing to raising young. Two penguins get together, sing songs, and have a little chick, who also learns to sing songs (exerpts from Happy Feet). But Polar Bears? Every one of those guys goes it alone, hunting and eking out a pretty lonely and miserable life. Not only does the cold make them depressed, but when food gets really hard to find? Polar bears in groups might have to eat each other. To avoid the greater evil of cannibalism, Polars trek it alone - a noble, if painful choice for the greater good. Also, all Polar Bear moms are single parents. Stress^98th power, guys.
Onto the next topic. Remember how bad the food situation is for Polar Bears? Well, part of the reason is because the Polar Bear needs so much more food - where a penguin is small and sleek, Polar Bears are the beasts of the hinterlands. Weighing up to 1320 lbs against the Emperor's 75 lbs, the Polar Bear far outstrips its rival in size, power and all around toughness - meaning it needs more food. Big food. Or food in large amounts. The Polar Bear is tough because it has to be in order to survive, and there are so few of them with such little food to go around - implied by the fact that they spend so much time hunting and starving. Penguins, on the other hand, are small, numerous, and never lack in food - or at least not as much as Polar Bears, and not on a regular basis. They can afford to evolve to be cute, have funny macaroni orange hair, and wear tuxedos. The Polar Bear doesn't have time to be cute and play dress-up - he has to focus on just eating. It's not hard, people.
And finally, habitat. Although both animals represent opposite poles, they live beyond that. Penguins have been found as far North as Brazil, and Polar Bears inhabit Alaska and Northern Canada. But although they both live outside the poles, the residential areas are starkly different. Brazil? When I think of Brazil, I don't think of snow, people. I don't see ice and cold and bad things. Let's see in my first grade math is accurate, when i say
BRAZIL = RAAAAIN FORESSST.
I've stretched the words "raaaain foressst" to overemphasize my point, which is: brazil means rain forests, and rain forests are not cold, people. In fact, rain forests are the opposite of cold, which is - guess what? - hot! On the other hand, what did Polar Bears get? Alaska and Northern Canada. I have nothing against either place, I like Anne of Green Gables too, but those places are cold. Cold. Alaska is cold. Is anyone going to tell me otherwise? almost want someone to, because it would be a laaaaaaugh(see how I stretched "laaaaaaaugh"?). And the final point is? The South Pole gets to be its own continent - "Antarctica". Penguins get their own continent, guys, with a pretty awesome name, don't deny it. But what did the Polar Bears get? The North Pole is just ICE. Plain old ice. This means several things. Antarctica, as a geologic formation, has some more interesting things than the North Pole - mountains, earthquakes, etc. There my not be a lot of them, but they are there, and that's what's important. And Antarctica is bigger. That's why it's a continent. With 5.4 sq. million miles against Polar Bear's 0, Penguins get a lot more real estate, and all they have to worry about more than Polar Bears is inflation. Polar Bears get to worry about the opposite: Melting. Global Warming is making the North Pole shrink in size, and when you've got 0 sq. miles to spare, the bears got it pretty rough.
Food, Tuxedos vs. Hobears, Population, and issues. I think I've proven my point.
2. Snow in Brazil/Australia: Ok, so according to the logic of "science", Earth should be evenly cold up to the equator. But according to the "Mother Nature messes with your head" rule, this is automatically untrue. And it's true(that it's untrue). Let's take a look.
To the North, Russia. Canada. Alaska. Santa. Places that are defined by cold, blustery conditions and lots of snow. Snow, snow, snow, and more snow.
But in the South? I've thought about this a lot of times, and something's not right. The two continents that stretch the farthest South are South America (Which has the word "South" in it) and Australia. One of the countries that stretches far south in South America is Chile - so by rights it should be cold. It has to be cold. It SOUNDS like it's cold: "chilly"!
But guess what? A "chile" is actually a pepper! And it's hot! Really, really hot - so the South should be cold here, but the dang Southerners found a loophole! C'mon, people. This is unfairrrr.
And at last, Australia. I don't have anything to say about Australia, except that it's really cool (not temp.). The people talk funny, and the animals are fun. But they've got the largest coral reef in the world, and their animals - are any of them adapted for cold? Kangaroos. Koalas. As opposed to Bison. Reindeer. POLAR BEARS. Kangaroos hop everywhere, exuding happiness - which does not exist in cold.
And my final, earth-shattering point.
Has anyone ever heard of it snowing in Australia or South America? Think about it.
Exactly.
So, I think I've proven my point here, guys. Pwned.
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